SmackDown starts with a series of clips from previous shows. Khali destroying Mysterio, Batista making the save, Teddy Long declaring a Triple Threat match at Unforgiven, Batista cradling the downed Mysterio. Following this comes the announcement “For the First Time on Network Television,” (meaning that it’s been done countless times in house shows), Batista vs Khali. But on to the first match, with JBL giving us his usual over-the-top praise for Chuck Palumbo. I think they must be partners as there’s no other explanation for his infatuation.
Victoria (with Kenny Dykstra) vs Michelle McCool (with Chuck Palumbo)
Palumbo and McCool have no electricity, but Victoria and Dykstra most certainly do and their simple entrance walking from the back outshines the big motorcycle entrance of Palumbo and McCool. Victoria is in black, in an outfit that says “Everyone Loves a Bad Girl.” McCool is in white. Can they make it any more direct for us? At one point, Michael Cole says “Victoria and Michelle have been going at it for weeks now.” No kidding. Something different would be great. Meanwhile, Victoria always makes the most of everything. even when she’s selling the opponent as she does during this match until Palumbo and Dykstra mix it up outside the ring. They take it inside the ring and there a huge roar from the crowd during this but oddly, not one person in the audience who is seen on camera is moving or making a sound. They wouldn’t use a cheer-track would they? We break for a commercial just as Dykstra gets punch drunk – what better time to move away from the match?
We return from the commercial and suddenly we are in a mixed tag match that Long apparently called after the pandemonium in the ring. Palumbo and Dykstra are going at it for most of the remainder of the match until Dykstra tags in Victoria. Palumbo makes some motions as though he’s going to wrestle Victoria. This isn’t surprising as Palumbo is the resident heel, known for beating the underdog as he did when he blindsided Chris Masters a few weeks ago after Masters had just been chokeslammed by Kane. The ladies finally take over and McCool hits a kick on Victoria for the pin.
Winner: Chuck Palumbo and Michelle McCool
The talented Kenny Dykstra and Victoria are wasted to the lesser talents of Palumbo and McCool.
Teddy Long is backstage and his bachelor party gets underway. Major Brothers, Sgt Slaughter, Long’s relatives, the usual pack of barely clad women.
From wedding festivites to a robed figure in a darkened ring we go. The robe is removed and it’s Mark Henry. We are off with another promo for an upcoming confrontation with Mark Henry and the returning Undertaker. Plug Unforgiven and we move on.
WWE Diva contest gets a plug.
MVP and Matt Hardy are playing chess, apparently another challenge. After a long pause, MVP makes a move. Hardy’s next move is, you guessed it, “check.” We could all have half a brain and still outsmart the writers on this show.
Jamie Noble vs Shannon Moore
After some footage of Hornswoggle from last week, the match gets started. Way to much tiresome match work with Noble asking Moore to submit. Match goes on far too long with unexciting action until Moore ends the match via rollup after he pretends Hornswoggle has turned up.
Winner: Shannon Moore
More wedding doings with Vickie leading Kristal to her bachelorette party. We cut to an anonymous ref announcing to MVP that his match is next, regardless of him being in street clothes or without the opportunity to warm up.
MVP vs Domino
MVP arrives in street clothes and disrobes to his trousers. Matt Hardy arrives after Domino to be ringside with MVP. In a very embarrassing display, Hardy takes the microphone and begins chanting “MVP!” while the crowd adds “Sucks!” after each chant. Hardy looks cross-eyed doing this and it’s meant to be sarcastic but Hardy can’t act, so this flops and gets old very quickly. Domino wins by rollup in another unexciting match. Hardy continues more of the chanting post-match. His theme music cuts him off before the routine dies.
Several backstage moments before the next match. A rehash of the announcement of McMahon’s son from Monday’s Raw. More of the bachelorette party where Fat Oily Guy turns up as the stripper. Michael Cole interviews Khali from his announcer’s desk – Khali is backstage. According to Khali, tonight’s main event will be a preview of what will happen at Unforgiven.
Kane vs Finlay
This is announced as a “Belfast Brawl,” a street fight with no count outs or disqualifications. Finlay attacks Kane before he even gets to the ring. With the shillelagh of course. Being a street fight, all sorts of foreign objects are used during the match. A surprising ending as Finlay wins with a move that is called, I believe, the Celtic Cross.
Party! The bachelor and bachelorette parties meet in the hallway backstage.
Batista vs The Great Khali
Batista give this match his all, driving up the excitement level for the first time in the show. It’s a short match, and Khali takes charge at the outset and Batista timbers face first to the mat after some brutal work by Khali. Khali tries to get the Vice Grip on Batista but Batista muscles out of it only to get booted to the floor. Khali goes out after him and Batista attacks. Khali fends him off and throws him back in the ring. Batista fires up the crowd with a spinebuster and then gives the screaming fans the thumbs down. He prepares for the Batista Bomb but can’t get Khali up. Kahli reverses it and hangs Batista up on the ropes. A huge chop and Khali brings Batista back in the ring. The Vice Grip goes on and Batista struggles, finally reaching the ropes but Khali won’t break the hold. The ref calls the match and disqaulifies Kahli – but Kahli still won’t break the hold. The camera peers at several fans who seem to think all of this is real.
Winner: Batista, by DQ
What was it all about this week?
This is entertainment? It sure as heck ain’t sports. I honestly don’t know what it is, but whatever it is, it’s getting worse each week. Low point in this card was Victoria and Kenny Dykstra being forced to job to the lesser talents of Michelle McCool and Palumbo. High point was the appearance of Batista, who saved the show from being a total loss.